Dusk

It was midnight and the park was empty. Worn out twigs of autumn lay around, occasionally swirling up with the wind. A few lamp-posts lit the wooden benches that had grown old and weary, perhaps from overhearing the tales of people who sat there.

Vivizel sat on the bench, lost in thoughts. A twig from the tree above landed on his head. Startled, he looked up. The tree was stripped of its leaves and all it showed was naked branches against the moonlit sky. Something about it seemed morose.

Vivizel felt like the park was resonating his own feelings. Despite his broken heart, he felt a certain calm under the company of the autumn tree. So he sat there, trying to fathom where everything went wrong.

Raziviqa was nothing like what Vivizel would imagine of her. She wasn't the beacon of perpetual love and commitment. He was stubborn and foolish to believe that despite everything she would do to make him go away, he believed that she still loved him. He believed that it was her difficulties that made her act against him. He hoped that she would hold on until they could get over their obstacles and be together. He carried this misunderstanding in him for so long that even when she continued to make a doormat out of him, he never understood.

And one day, Raziviva happily married another man.

When Vivizel heard this news, it was like a huge force of nature struck him back to reality. Wasn't a firm no from her going to be enough to put away the proposal? Why wouldn't she fight? Wasn't it because she believed he wasn't worth it? He began to realize that he was a fool all along. He had left him from her heart long ago. She saw no future in him. He was just a failed man. She regretted making a covenant with him. He just wasn’t what she thought he was. She just wanted to forget him and move on and he was quite successful in that.

Vivizel took out a diary from his pocket and began to write –

"I've made numerous attempts to write this
but I've failed because every time I try to recollect,
memories tear me apart. I feel my heart crumble
on the inside and my chest becomes heavy.
I realize that I'm trapped alone on a little rock
in a huge sea of confusion.

It is hard to believe how certain circumstances
can cause years of intense love to flip one eighty.

She had grown distant from me ever since
the altercation she had with her family about me.
To top it off, I showed no sign of turning the mess
that I was into something she could be hopeful of.

I don't wanna go rummaging further into where everything
went wrong. That's what I've been doing all day
for the last few months and I'm already overflowing
with guilt over not doing the right things at the right times.

This takes a huge toll on me. Sometimes I wish that
my parents had never taken me abroad, at least
I'd have some friends at home to talk to. But no,
I'm alone in this ordeal.
Consequently, I have skipped nine exams,
all of them supplementaries. To say that I'm terribly lost
would be an understatement. My parents, my last
standing pillars, are growing doubtful about my future.
My behavior has gone rogue and I push away anyone who cares.

Sometimes it becomes paralysing, I sit on the couch
for hours playing the blame game, sometimes angry
at her but more angry at myself. Sometimes I make
harsh judgements on her and then instantly realize
that I don't know how life was in her shoes. I just don't know.

So here I am, I give up. I'm tired of all the calculations.
It's beyond me to change the past, and the opportunity
to fix everything has been taken away from me. And I realize
that I'm not in control of  how I get judged. If she judges
me as someone who never was committed, then so be it.
I'm powerless in that regard.

I've to find solace in my own conviction and let go of the rest.

Peace."

Vivizel looked at the words he wrote. As he read them, memories began to sprout inside him. He swallowed them, shut his eyes and closed his diary and got up to leave. As he slid it back into his coat, a shiver escaped his fragile frame.